KÖLSCH

The glorious EU-BILEE is nearly upon us! We're opening things up with a small taste of Cologne on Wednesday 1st June with the delightful Gaffel Kölsch on tap. Here's a quick run-down of what Kölsch is, how it's drunk and why any member of staff being rude to you is, in fact, just an expression of authentic local Köln culture.

Kölsch can also refer to the local dialect, but talking about beer as we are, it's a strictly protected style that has to be made within 30 miles of central Cologne to qualify for the name. The beer has to be pale, bright (not hazy), hoppy (by German standards), well-attenuated (lighter-bodied and dry finishing), between 4.4% and 5.2% ABV, brewed in accordance with the Reinheitsgebot (don't get me started), and most confusingly, top-fermented but cold conditioned.

This last part means that you can - should someone ever ask you whether Kölsch is a lager or an ale - simply reply "yes" and be correct. Ale yeasts are top-fermenting yeasts, ergo: Kölsch is an ale. However, it's then given time to mature (condition) at low temperature, which is what Germans might call lagering. We consider lager a catch-all term for a type of beer, while they consider it a technique. Kölsch might eschew lager yeasts, coming out of a different brewing tradition than the Bavarians, but it still takes advantage of the benefits of a slow, cool maturation to bring out a beautiful little local hybrid.

Digressions on brewing terminology behind us, what can you actually expect from your lovely glass of Kölsch? Well, it's fresh, pale, crisp, and an approachable 4.8%. It's slightly fruitier than a helles, and rather less austere or bitter than a pilsner. There's a little hoppy note to the aroma, but it's a cleaner finish than most pale ales can hope for. It is, in the best possible way, perfect drinking beer. You can enjoy sessions on it without finding your palate overwhelmed, but there are enough subtleties and nuances to keep things from getting stale.

A vital aspect to the proper enjoyment of Kölsch is in how it's presented. No crude litre steins here: instead, the beer is brought to you in delicate, narrow 200ml glasses, known as "stange". In a Cologne beerhouse, these glasses are rinsed out with cold water before a swift two-part pour, and then taken straight out to the punters to be drunk before the head can fade. Kölsch is not a beer to be drunk old or warm, so you have it in measures that allow you to enjoy it at its peak.

This leads on to the practicalities of drinking these delightful little glasses. No waiting to be served at the bar, no thank you. A barrel is tapped on the bartop, and waiting stange are quickly and expertly filled. The waiters take these freshly poured stange straight out on trays, automatically swapping anyone's empty glass for a fresh one. A quick mark on the coaster with a pen and they're on their way to the next thirsty patron. You've had enough? Put that coaster over your glass and they'll be over to settle up, based on the marks the coaster has accrued. Leave your glass uncovered and they'll just keep bringing you replacements. As long as you aren't inclined to fiddle nervously with your beer mat, it's marvelously simple and efficient.

And if you are an inveterate coaster fidgeter? Well, you'll get a crash course in the humour of the Cologne barman. Known as "kobes", their manner was pithily described by a friend as "those guys who are pricks to you for half an hour, then hilarious after that?" when I mentioned going to visit a few years ago. I never suffered so on my visit, but the humour definitely gets warmer the longer you're there. So, if Lee gives you the strong impression that he thinks you're a peabrain when you sidle in for that first delightful stange, he is merely trying to do honour to the traditions of his German peers.

Gaffel, Kölsch